for the jonathan livingston seagull, living inside us all

Press play, then close your eyes. Play it again and watch the video. Read the following after you've listened to the entire song.

Beautiful, isn't it? Even if you don't particularly like Neil Diamond, it's difficult for me to fathom that someone out there can NOT find this absolutely gorgeous.
Alex introduced me to the Jonathan Livingston Seagull soundtrack during one of those quiet, peaceful times, just simply sitting in the dark, enjoying the company of a loved one. It all really hit me at once, and I fell in love instantly.

As I begin another year at State, I find myself struggling again. Not as much as I used to struggle, but in the quiet moments, I find the darkness around the edges, that sadness that lurks just beyond the horizon, creeping in just a tiny bit towards me. Flashes of images, sudden rushes of sound, and twinges of emotions linked to long-repressed memories come to mind, and doubt follows immediately upon the heels of the memories.

I wonder a lot of things. I wonder if I'm a good person, and if I made the right decisions along my way.
In a little over two months, I will have lived for two entire years without Joey.

I feel like I've lived a thousand lives since that day. I've felt thousands of different things, and explained the situation thousands of different ways. It all amounts to the same thing, in the end.

I know not to compare myself to others....that grief, circumstances, relationships.....they're all different from person to person. I know that no fault was mine, though I remain living my life with twinges out doubt and guilt regardless.
Lately, I've been delving into these feelings, truly examining my thoughts and emotions, and I've realized that that guilt doesn't come from Joe's suicide directly.
My guilt comes from others who have suffered a loss....be it the loss of Joey or another loved one.

Knowing that these people still openly grieve months, even years, after a death makes me feel heartless, to be honest. I enjoy my life more now than I ever have before, in spite of the tragedy I experienced. Breaking up with Joe, regardless of his choice to take his own life, gave me freedom. That freedom granted me the ability to be who I was meant to be, and not just who he felt HE needed me to be. I can follow my heart, follow my dreams, and live a life that is more blessed than I ever could have imagined it could be.

I walked away and was blessed. I left him behind.
Is it my fault?

He took away my chance at normality when he took his life, and I can do nothing to change that. The scar he left by making that choice will stay with me until the day I die. However, I wear it as an internal scar...a quiet, subtle crack in an otherwise increasingly steady foundation.

Yet, as much as I am ever thankful that I am the healthy, happy, thriving twenty-year-old I am today, I feel as if I owe something to someone. While I am loved by more people than I can count, am cared for by the most amazing man I've ever met, and supported by a family I wouldn't change for anything, I feel a sense of discontent.

I've identified this discontent as guilt. I feel guilty because I am happy, in spite of the circumstances, while others continue to mourn his loss.



Then, I heard of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and it reminded me of my own outlook on the entire situation. It reminded me exactly why I picked myself up and carried on, healthy, happy, and full of a life that I am completely blessed to have been given.

"Does my life end here?
I wasn't born to drown in the ocean.
I can die here, or I can force myself to fly.

It's in me.
It's in me!
I've got to get back home.

At last, I can stop thinking, for once in my life.
Just stop thinking
and fly towards the lights in the dark!"

He may not be alive anymore, but I am.

I AM, and I plan to live while I'm alive.

even if you miss....

"...you'll land among the stars."

I don't remember exactly whose quote that was, but I'm pretty sure it was Ralph Waldo Emerson.
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

Most everyone I've spoken to, with my family members and Alex being exempt, have told me that I'm nuts for quitting my job at Walmart. I guess from their points of view, quitting a long-term, regular job seems crazy to go to a temporary, low-paying job, with no guarantee of any kind of regular income.

I've been worrying about money almost constantly since I quit. It's difficult to keep my eyes on the moon, or the stars, or any celestial body for that matter, when there are bills and things to pay for down here on Earth.
I know I shouldn't worry so much. I have more than a lot of people, and with two paychecks coming in over the next seven days, and my student loans dropping in before school, I shouldn't struggle too much for the next few months, but the nagging worry that I don't have a steady income waiting for me at the end of this marching season is always there.

I know why I took this job. The experiences I'm getting right now will be phenomenal later on, both on a resume and in my "teaching arsenal." I'm learning skills in discipline, leadership, and so much more during these weeks, more than I would ever learn from an hourly position anywhere, and I'm working with the age group I will be certified to teach, in a school setting.
I'm shooting for the moon; looking ahead; equipping myself. Teacher certification, student teaching, and graduation seem so far away, but in reality, I only have three semesters left on campus.

Being aware of how close the "future" is doesn't help the here and now worries, however. As happy as I am for this opportunity, and ever-grateful for the gifts I've been given this summer from Mr. Coull, Mr. Stary, the band members, and my family and friends, it's still hard to shake the anxiety and fear of the unknown.

I've always been scared to take risks like this. I've been terrified to go out of my comfort zone and take chances. It's why I didn't take the opportunity to go to Ireland with my peers this summer - something I will always regret. I was worried about money, thinking I needed to work those three weeks...as if that made a difference at all. I spend my time constantly looking backwards, scrutinizing my choices, and lamenting that I made the wrong ones....often erring on the side of caution.

I know that money will be tight, now. I know that finding another job will be difficult, and may not happen. However, I also know that when I look back on this season six months from now, a year from now, or five years from now, I will not regret my choice. I know that this experience is giving me so much more than a paycheck. After all....life is much more than a paycheck. I'm not teaching because of the glamor, or because it will get me lots of money and fame.
I'm teaching because it's what I am meant to do, and it's what I want to do. I'm much happier now that I ever would have been working at the store, money worries and all. My restlessness is completely gone, and I finally feel like I'm doing something meaningful.

I think that's worth ten thousand paychecks.

eyes: with pride!

So, this past week...ridiculous.
Ask and ye shall receive. I spent most of my summer wishing I was doing something other than Walmart. Anything different, unique, or interesting would work. Right after I had a huge breakdown and spent every evening on the phone with my mother, I got an offer to work with the Brookings High School Marching Band.

We are done with the first week of drill camp. It has definitely been a week of good and bad emotions, constant stress and disorder, and I absolutely love it. I had doubts about leaving Walmart, taking a tremendous pay cut, and jumping into a world of no guarantees, but I am one hundred percent certain this was the right choice.

I am so new to the world of competitive marching. These kids put forth a tremendous effort, and as much as we yell at them when they make mistakes, I spend most of my time in complete awe of what they can do. In just three days, the band learned a third of their field show, and the music rehearsals are absolutely phenomenal.
It's been a growing experience for me, too. The looks of fear and anxiety on the faces of the Freshman is often echoed on my face, as I struggle to set an entire side of the field in less than a minute, or drop and do ten push-ups numerous times for messing up commands during fundie block. The best feeling in the world is standing in front of the band, giving a command, and watching a group of teenagers turn into a cohesive, organized marching band before my eyes. As they grow, I grow, too. A small victory leaves me grinning and jumping around on the sidelines, punching the air in triumph. Turning a mess of confused kids into an award-winning band is something I am honored to do....and I KNOW I'm working with winners.

I know that I'm overly enthusiastic about marching band. It was a personal passion for me, since I joined the Pride, and even though many who participate in it dislike the band, or consider it a joke, marching becomes my life, and I love it (and sometimes love to hate it.) Working with the high school band, on top of marching for the Pride, gives me such a sense of accomplishment, and, well, pride. Through all the frustration, anxiety, anger, and disappointment, when a set finally clicks, a piece comes together, or a show springs to life, any accomplishment reminds me time and time again that it's all worth it.

The friendships I've made over the past week have already changed my life. People I didn't know this time last week have now become people I share every day with, and I already care about them more than I thought I ever would. Coworkers became friends, and students became family. Thinking about it, marching band in general, be it the Pride or the Bobcats, has given me more than I ever could have hoped for. It gave me important, lasting relationships, timeless memories, and unforgettable moments and feelings. It gave me the confidence to become the person I was meant to be, and without it, I would still be stuck.

A far-fetched dream of mine is to introduce marching into the Glencoe-Silver Lake School District. Everyone I've spoken to has been less than enthused, and I know it's a long shot. Marching band is expensive, and with cuts already made in the music department, adding another program would be asking a lot. This is an experience, however, that kids from GSL are missing out on, and it's a shame. How sad is it that Glencoe has a marching competition during the Glencoe Days Parade that its own students can't participate in? Interest in the arts has rapidly decreased, and I was just in time to hit high school and watch it collapse. Marching band incorporates musicianship, competition, and athletics, and may be what the district needs to save a dying program. I would even be willing to spend a summer back home, helping to build a program and introduce students and parents to marching.


This is probably a long-shot, and I don't even know if I can find a way to get this ball rolling, but I can't help but wonder if a program with the cohesion of a marching band drill would have given me more meaningful, lasting relationships in high school, and would have made those four years less of a hell.
One of the most outstanding moments in my life remains the minutes leading up to my first performance with the Pride. After seven years of being made fun of for my passion for instrumental music, forgoing sports in an athletic-heavy school district in favor of my trumpet, I was used to being mocked and unappreciated at sporting events, being considered "uncool" and "nerdy." Hearing the cheers and yells from the crowd of students when the Pride took the field, I immediately felt the familiar heat rushing back into my cheeks....here I was again, being judged poorly for something I was proud to be doing. As I leaned over and expressed my fear to one of the upperclassmen, he looked back at me and said, "No, Sam. They love the Pride here. They mean it." I will never forget the feeling I got as I stood in front of the huge stands, under the bright lights, hearing genuine cheering, as I realized I wasn't being judged, but ENCOURAGED.

I think every single student that picks up an instrument and genuinely loves playing should be encouraged, not judged. Perhaps people who look down on "band geeks" haven't actually noticed or appreciated how much technicality, talent, and perseverance it takes to play an instrument well. As hard as others train in athletics, musicians work hard to do what they love as well. Kids shouldn't be ashamed to be in band. I know that GSL has a sweet spot for its football program. Perhaps adding in another element to that program, a competitive marching band, that exhibits its field show at halftimes, would inspire interest and appreciation for a group of kids that has never felt what it's like to BE appreciated by the community. Music programs aren't just another set of numbers on a budget. Just like football, band has a face. It has many faces. Those faces are just as important as the face of an athlete, and should not be considered to hold any less value.


Alex told me of a sound-off of sorts that he used to do with the DC Marching Chargers, that ended with a drum major yelling "EYES!" and the band would respond "WITH PRIDE!"
"EYES!"
"WITH PRIDE!"
"EYES!!"
"WITH PRIDE!!"

I'd like to see pride in the eyes of the GSL band members, instead of shame, defeat, or disinterest. If anyone from GSL, student, alumni, or parent happens to read this, and would like to support me in this and help find a way to get this ball rolling, please contact me.

rain pours.

"Be careful what you set your heart on, for it will surely become yours." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Out of my funk....and in a hurry, too.

Several life-changing events have happened over the past few days. Not life-changing to the point of completely altering my entire existence, but drastic enough to completely turn my plans upside-down.

I learned two nights ago that my grandma Pattie passed away. She and her husband, Bud, are not my biological grandparents, but I've known them for as long as I can remember, and they have been even more supportive than my own grandparents at times. Bud was a coworker of my dad's when we lived in the Fort Worth, Texas area. As small as I was (we moved to Minnesota when I was five), I remember vividly weekend afternoons spent at their house, picking flowers in their beautiful backyard, coloring in the books under the coffee table, admiring Pattie's ornamental prism collection hanging in the window, and chasing Maude the cat (who hated me.) I haven't seen them since my last visit to Fort Worth...over ten years ago. Even so, without fail, I would receive a card every Christmas and birthday, and a phone call every few months. Though I didn't see Bud and Pattie, I can clearly recognize their voices, and can still hear them calling me "Sweetheart."
Calling Bud that night was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Whenever we spoke on the phone, they would each be on a separate phone so they could talk to me at the same time. It seemed so empty without Pattie's happy, subtle drawl. Though I don't get to see them, my life feels empty and hollow without her.

Next week Thursday, my family and I (Charlie included!) are going to Fort Worth for a few days, to see Bud, and probably my Uncle Lewis. Though it's under such awful circumstances, it's been a very long time since I've seen my old home, and I'm looking forward to seeing my family.

On top of losing my grandma, I was offered and accepted a position as a marching band/percussion technician at Brookings High School. Basically, I will have charge over a section of the band, helping learn drills. Starting on the eighth of August, I will drop to part-time at Walmart, and spend the majority of my weekdays at the high school, helping with band camp. I am really excited about this opportunity, since we didn't have a marching band at GSL, and it will be awesome to get to experience high school marching season, even if I'm not in uniform. On top of Jacks games with the Pride on Saturdays, I get to spend Friday nights at Coughlin-Alumni with the Bobcats, plus competitions and parades. I love everything about marching season, so I'm excited beyond belief that my season gets to start a whole month early.

I suppose this is what happens when a person complains about a stagnant lifestyle. It's been a crazy few days of emotional confusion, but everything has a reason.

books 'n bitchin'

Lately I've been inhabiting funk town. I try as hard as I can not to feel sorry for myself, but this summer has been nothing at all like I expected it to be. Perhaps it's because I've worked so much this month, or maybe it's just seeing pictures and updates from all of my friends who spend time in fantastic places....but I am so discontent.

It had me thinking about my plans in life....before Joey....before everything. Back when I was in junior high, and even in middle school, I had dreams and aspirations to do big, great things. I was going to attend the University of Florida, be a music major, and live in a big city. I wouldn't settle for anything but amazing grades, achieve everything I set my mind on, and become a brilliant piano player.

Looking at my life now, I've really changed...in a way, I failed myself. I'm at school in South Dakota, in a town a little bigger than Hutchinson. I changed my major from nursing (a sudden, drastic change during my junior year of high school) to English, and I'm finally feeling comfortable with my major...after messing up my GPA and wasting a year of college. I stopped taking piano, and even though I still play, my skill level has dropped significantly. Though I love my trumpet, and taking lessons has been amazing, I still feel like a stranger, like my real connection is at the keys. I hope I can take lessons next spring...and hopefully I haven't lost my talent for good.
Life really changed, and times like this make me slightly disappointed with myself.

Why did I let a high school relationship change my plans? At the time, I was so convinced I was doing what I wanted...and it certainly has given me lasting, true relationships and countless unforgettable memories....but looking at the big picture, I'm lucky I even went to college. That's not who I am. I only applied for two schools, neither of them the schools I dreamed of going to. I was convinced I wasn't good enough, that the fastest and quickest way to make a lot of money was the best choice.
It's hard not to blame everything on Joey, and continue to harbor bad feelings towards him.

Three years later, after ending that relationship and getting past that big pitfall in my life, I am fully aware of my mistakes and disillusion. I want more from life, but I feel stuck trying to get over the mistakes I made years ago. I chose South Dakota, and I do love my school. I just hate knowing that my dreams were bigger than the reality I chose.

I'm hoping that once school starts, this funk will go away.

Today was really a good day for me; a breath of fresh air. Alex took me to Sioux Falls to eat lunch with his brother, Nate, and hang out. Nathan bought us Chinese at our favorite restaurant, and then Alex and I went to the mall to chill out until the drizzle stopped. We stopped by Barnes & Noble, and he got Don Quixote, while I found The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. Since becoming a major, I have really enjoyed discovering Wilde. I had seen a play of his, condensed to one act (The Importance of Being Earnest) and really hated it, but after reading the play in its entirety (and seeing a film featuring the gorgeous Colin Firth), I fell in love with Wilde's writing. It's all in delivery, and the high school actors in that particular ....rendition.... didn't do it justice at all. I'm excited to read this piece - a novel, not a play! - that is, after I finish The Count of Monte Cristo.
I tried to convince myself to buy some Austen, but I just couldn't. I feel compelled to, since everyone else in my Brit Lit classes sing her praises constantly, but I can't get interested in her plot lines yet. Alex is going to have me watch Pride and Prejudice....thinking maybe Colin Firth will once again change my mind about another classic writer. I'm loving The Count so far, and it's taking all the self-control I can muster to not start reading Dorian Gray.

Does anybody out there (hellooooo?) own a Kindle or a Nook? I've been thinking of saving up some money and getting one. I'm leaning towards a Kindle, since I use Amazon quite a bit, and don't want to be limited to Barnes & Noble. I'm not sure if I'll like reading off the screen. I was playing with the Nook Color today, and liked it much better than the originals, which are in black and white. I have a feeling getting books this way would be cheaper in the long run, but I still have some reservations about it. There is just something about holding a physical book that I love, and seeing books on shelves. Another plus for the Kindle, however, is that I can download sheet music, and turn pages with a flick of a finger. Since I accompany occasionally, it would be awesome if I could carry my music on a Kindle, and not need a page turner.
Let me know, on here or Facebook, your thoughts!

Sioux Falls - Big Sioux River 7/27/2011

angst.

I've been having some existential, quarter-life crisis issues lately.
I really don't like my job. I do my best, put forth all the effort I can, but it just doesn't make me happy.
Friends are having adventures, right and left, and I'm stuck in Walmart 1538, moving features and mixing paint. I wear the same three pair of khakis and four navy blue shirts about three quarters of the time I spend awake.

I keep telling myself that I have all these opportunities. If I wanted to, I could go do something amazing.
Reality is, I can't.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of earning and spending money, just to keep my apartment and go to school.
I have to pass up opportunity after opportunity.

I feel like I work more than I do anything else...but it doesn't get me anywhere. I spend breaks, holidays, and my entire summer in the store.

I wish I could be overseas, doing study abroad, or taking summer classes. I wish I could be on vacation, lying on a beach somewhere, or touring a big city. I wish I could be learning...exploring...growing. I'm young. I have two years left of my undergrad.

I know I'm lucky. I try to tell myself that a home, food, clothing, and a little bit extra is much more than most have...but I still feel like my life could me so much more than living by the timeclock.

Perhaps I just have to be patient. Maybe my adventures are still to come.

In the meantime, I'll be under the fluorescent lights.

girl like that.

I got a pedicure today with one of my best friends in the world.
We went shopping, tried on perfume, and I splurged on some new dressy shirts.
Sometimes, it's fun to dress up, even if you have nowhere to go.