Thursday, September 8, 2011
This week has been one of THOSE weeks.
The kind of week where everything is just a little bit off....nothing is quite right.
No, I haven't suffered any major catastrophes, but the little day-to-day annoyances pile up until I sit here, barely ten in the morning on Thursday, trying to convince myself not to crawl back under the covers and stay.
Petty frustrations and little disappointments fall into my hands as little rocks would, until suddenly I'm staggering under a boulder, asking for just a little bit of help while everyone passes by.
My hopes for this year are quickly crumbling into mediocre apathy. The hard work I've already put forth seems to be yielding miniscule, if not nonexistent, results, and the clear goals I set for myself this semester are getting fuzzier by the hour.
I find it very challenging not to feel bad and hurt when someone talks down to me. Keeping a smile on my face when friendliness is met with apathy or even sarcasm is near to impossible. Practicing my trumpet every day when it hardly gets me anywhere worthwhile is incredibly difficult. I find it so difficult to be proud of my accomplishments when my mistakes and shortcomings are so much bigger. Progress is progress, you may say, but after a while I get tired of baby steps when I want leaps.
I know I sound whiny. I know my life is awesome and I shouldn't be complaining.
The unjust price I have to pay for CARING while others stand by and coast is the worst. Being known as the loud, mean squad leader in the Pride for actually wanting our forms and marching to look their best is definitely a blow to my confidence. Being held accountable for the responsibilities that should belong to the high school students I work with irritates and upsets me.
Where is the passion, excitement, or pride?
The weight of responsibility shouldn't fall upon my shoulders alone.
So if I seem angry, upset, or cranky, I am. Being nice has gotten me nowhere this week. I know it may not be right, or the "big girl thing to do," but I'm only human, too. I can only carry this boulder so far before I'll just drop it before it squishes me.
Hopefully next week will be better.
Posted by Samantha at 7:58 AM